The fear hits me on a regular basis: “What if I’ve offended someone by something I said?”
Whether it be comments made in conversation or posts on social media, I feel my gut wrench instinctively after sharing any thought or opinion. It is a manifestation of my social anxiety, my fear that I might be deemed unworthy of love and acceptance. The need for approval hums through our human biology, a survival essential that is just as crucial to us as food and shelter. It hums louder in the ears of some of us than others, and certain circumstances can increase its volume for any of us.
Right now is a particularly anxious time in our society. Tensions from political and racial conflicts are high, and we are all suffering from the mental toll the pandemic is taking on us. Living so isolated from each other threatens to make us even more insular and fearful.
So how do we continue to speak up and share ourselves with the world in spite of this incessant insecurity? How do we take a stand for justice when it is so easy to say the right thing in the wrong way? How do we reach out to people who are different from ourselves when we don’t know what might offend them?
Here are five things I remind myself of on a regular basis to ease my anxiety and keep myself in conversation with the world.
1: Nobody’s perfect.
We are all struggling to find the right words and express the right intentions. If I make a mistake, it doesn’t mean I am a failure or a bad person. I can admit my mistakes and learn from them.
2: Healthy relationships can accommodate mistakes.
If a friend knows me well, they will know my true intentions. If I listen carefully to the needs and concerns of my fellow humans, then the words I speak in response to them will reflect my thoughtfulness. If someone takes offense at something I say and tells me, it is an honor not a punishment. It is an opportunity to mend the relationship and learn from the other person’s perspective.
3: Healing is on the other side of discomfort.
To face the real problems in our society requires coming face-to-face with uncomfortable truths. If I let my own anxiety and discomfort keep me from facing those truths I only exacerbate the problem. Fear is a tactic of suppression, and giving into it protects the power of corrupt systems and leaders. Facing my fears not only strengthens me as an individual but challenges the status quo.
4: Anxiety can be an opportunity.
I am anxious because I care. I want to do what’s right and I want others to feel empowered by my words and actions. I can channel that energy towards making good choices. I can recognize the topics that make me most anxious as areas where I need more education. I can seek out information and resources that help me speak knowledgeably and confidently, and I can share those resources with others.
5: My voice is valid.
Sometimes I am afraid to speak because I have lived my whole life in a world where a woman’s voice is considered less valid than a man’s. Sometimes I am afraid to speak because I live in a culture of conflict avoidance. Sometimes I am afraid to speak because, for one reason or another, I assume that nobody wants to hear what I have to say. But the truth is that my voice is valid, sometimes conflict is unavoidable, and I have valuable insights to share.
If you often feel anxious the way that I do, I hope you can remember these affirmations and feel empowered to keep bringing yourself to connect with others. Ultimately the benefits can far outweigh the risks. You might build some new meaningful friendships, or share a thought that others need to hear. You might empower someone else to share themselves with you in return.
Angie Gustafson 