For the last four years I have been turning my attention away from the news, at least any news pertaining to Trump. I have done this instinctually, as self-preservation. The only way to take away a narcissist’s power is to not give them your attention. But of course I have failed. Because to turn away from him was also to turn away from what he was doing, and the people he has been abusing, and these acts of abuse deserve recognition as the atrocities that they are.
Narcissistic abuse can be stealthy. We tend to see abuse as a physical act of directly harming another individual through violence and force. But narcissists thrive in a realm of emotional and psychological abuse, repeating lies and insults and throwing themselves continuous, ongoing pity parties and emotional tantrums. They have a primal need for everyone else in their lives to acknowledge that they are the best human, that we all rely on them, that they are perfect at everything, that anyone who says otherwise is abusing them.
In the case of Trump, however, the psychological abuse has resulted in wide-scale physical abuse. He has endorsed and empowered people who commit acts of violence against others simply for the sake of dominance. He has created systems of control that physically harm immigrants, people of color, and women (to just name a few). He has turned us all on each other to do his damage.
What we also need to acknowledge, alongside these acts of physical violence, is that emotional and psychological violence are also physical. My mind and heart reside within my body. When I am made to feel inferior I feel the pain of it within my body.
I have been the target of abuse from more than one narcissist in my life. I am prone to anxiety and codependency, which has caused me to seek out confident people and their praise. I have turned a blind eye to discrepancies in the behaviors of narcissists and repeatedly agreed with them when the called me crazy, disrespectful, and incompetent. I have cared for them and emotionally supported them in the midst of their temper tantrums and pity parties. It has destroyed my sense of self-worth and caused me to lose touch with reality and my own needs and values. It has damaged many of my significant, healthy relationships with other people, who I neglected or injured in the process.
I know that narcissism stems from childhood abuse. I have sincere empathy for what narcissists endured in their youth, what pain must have been afflicted on them to make them believe their only recourse was to establish themselves as the most powerful person in the room at all times. That’s where my empathy ends. To continue to empathize with abusers once they have established themselves in positions of power is to continue to forfeit the power to them and to sustain an unhealthy system.
I am happy to be free of most of the narcissists of my past. I have regained much of my self-worth and repaired some important relationships. I am ready for the narcissist at the head of our nation to be out of the news and out of my life. As a woman, it is physically painful to me that a man who disrespects and disregards my humanity could be allowed to maintain a position of power, to make decisions that affect my livelihood. As an American citizen I am exhausted from being repeatedly lied to.
Friends and neighbors, I will not let this narcissist come between us. I care for you and respect you. You are valuable. We all deserve better than the violent, divisive systems that have been created and upheld. I wish us all the freedom to choose love and respect over self-preservation and dominance.
Angie Gustafson 