In her heart-wrenchingly poignant song, “The Joke”, Brandi Carlile sings these words:
You get discouraged, don’t you, girl?
It’s your brother’s world for while longer
We gotta dance with the devil on a river
To beat the stream
Call it living the dream, call it kicking the ladder
These are words that every woman can identify with. At times it feels like my life is one long lesson in how the rules I’m expected to live by weren’t created by anyone who shares my gender.
Toxic masculinity is pervasive in the shaping of our society. It lies. It wounds men first, and then trains them to act their pain out on the bodies and dignities of others. It tells little boys that their worth is in their dominance and superiority to others, and if they don’t prove that dominance they will lose their power and privilege. It frames every aspect of life as a competition, a chance to gain social status and autonomy. It rewards their competitive efforts with permissiveness. Do whatever you want…you’re the top dog.
The truth is social status is a construct. We are all equally worthy and valuable, without having to earn or prove anything.
Toxic masculinity means every profession is full of competitive achievement levels and the necessity to prove its merits through monetary values.
Toxic masculinity equals all of our tax dollars going to the police and the military so they can put on a show of strength and try to prove that we are a superior, dominant nation. Meanwhile, teachers and librarians and social workers are doing the actual work of caring for the nation’s most vulnerable with insufficient funds and nowhere near enough respect.
Toxic masculinity means we still won’t see a woman president next term because none of the female candidates were deemed “electable” enough to compete with the current narcissistic bully in office.
Toxic masculinity keeps us looking for heroes when there is no man or creature in existence more powerful than our collective voices joined together declaring we will not be beaten or oppressed or rescued any longer.
All it takes to defeat toxic masculinity is to stop believing the lies it tells. This is the work of a lifetime for every man. The ones who choose to listen to and respect women and minorities stand a chance of finding their liberation and healing.
Maybe it’s about time we encourage men to take a break. You don’t have to win anything or lead anything or speak out every moment. You can just be. It’s ok. We’ll all be good. We’ll fill in where you left off. We’ll work on making a society that functions on collective care and support and open pathways to healthy, happy lives.
None of us have to climb or kick the ladder if the ladder doesn’t exist anymore.
Angie Gustafson 